Choosing Your Maid Of Honor
Choosing your Maid (or Matron) Of Honor can be as exciting as it is stressful. You want to make sure you don’t offend anyone, and you want to make sure you ask someone who will be there from start to finish. You also want it to be the woman whose presence will bring extra meaning to your big day.
First things first: Don’t call up and ask your sorority sister Jen ten minutes after he’s proposed: Let the reality of your nuptials sink in before you ask anyone to be an attendant. (Reflex choices tend to lead to regrets later on.) Also, your mother or your sister, even a guy, can be a Maid Of Honor, or—in the last example—Man Of Honor.
When you’re ready to ask someone, go over what’s expected of her before you pop the question. The maid of honor generally helps you pick out a dress, she’s probably going to be in charge of the bachelorette party, and, most important: she’s there when you’re overly stressed and to take care of any emergencies that pop up. Despite the title, she’s not a maid, and you need take into account how much you’re asking of her and if she’s overly swamped. The woman you choose is going to be, well, honored that you’ve asked her, but make sure she’s not saying yes out of politeness. Does she have a new baby on the way, a stressful job, or a home far away? You need to think about the logistics of her situation, so it’s a mutual dream job. Talk to her in private, and let her know you’ll completely understand if she has to decline. On the flip side, if the first person you ask declines, don’t take it personally.
If you’ve got two friends who you’re equally close to, and you’re about to flip a coin over which one to ask, by all means do so. However you make the decision, ask the second one if she’d like to do something special at your wedding, such as a reading. Any close friend should understand the difficulty of making the decision. This can also be a case where it makes more sense to stay away from a circle of friends and to ask a close relative or someone removed from your immediate group. Often women decide to ask the girl they grew up with, and with whom they first played Barbie’s Dream Wedding!
Something else to keep in mind: You can’t “fire” a maid of honor. If she’s having a hard time, or isn’t there when you need her, or just doesn’t seem interested in your wedding, find some alone time and talk to her about it. Chances are there’s a very good reason she’s having trouble. Weddings are a time of (deserved) self-indulgence, and it’s easy to forget that other people have lives too. Maybe your Maid Of Honor had an unexpected event that’s distracting her. If she’s preoccupied, ask her if she’d like to bow out. She can still be a bridesmaid or take part in a way that won’t take up too much time. Then honor her by accepting her choice.