When Is It Okay for Loved Ones to Work Your Wedding?

What could more joyous than having your nearest and dearest “work” at your wedding? For starters, terrible photographs, awful flowers, and strained relationships that might take years to resolve. While it’s not forbidden to “hire” friends to do the work of wedding vendors, know the pros and cons before you take the step.

There are two ways to get friends involved in your wedding: asking them or letting them ask you. The former means you are certain that Cousin Joe will be the best wedding photographer for your celebration. This might be true, provided Joe is a professional camera man. If he’s just got a good camera and enjoys snapping photos, don’t ask him. There’s no going back if the photos turn out terrible, and both of you are going to end up angry. This applies to florists, caterers, you name it. Also, non-pros sometimes forget that they are working, and either disappear when needed or imbibe too much.

If a friend asks you if they can play a major role in the wedding process (say, cater the affair), the same factors apply, with the added difficulty of saying “no” if you think it’s an unwise choice. Should you face this kind of situation, be sure to tell the person how incredibly grateful you are for the offer, but that you made a decision as a couple not to allow your guests to work at your wedding. Then be sure to tell him or her that you’d love to have them cook at a dinner party in the future.

If you do hire a friend to work at your wedding, you should treat them with the same respect and courtesy as you would a professional vendor—make sure they do the same. Offer to pay them the going rate, and maneuver only in accordance to what is reasonable. You still need to tip them and give them breaks, even if they insist on offering up freebies and no-tip services. No matter what they tell you ahead of time, you also have to sign a contract. If they won’t budge, remind them that it’s for their benefit too. If a friend wants to give you, say, the cake, free, as part of their services, only allow it if it’s their wedding gift to you, and don’t take anything that you think is inappropriate or will hurt their finances.

The one vendor area that’s a lot simpler for a friend to fill is that of officiant. Once again, the choice is yours, as it’s an extremely personal part of your ceremony. If you want to have a close friend officiate, find a quiet time to ask them, and don’t be hurt if they say no. Some people won’t want the responsibility, and some might be terribly nervous. If a close friend asks you, you need to be very frank in your response. If that’s not the route you’re planning, be honest and let them know you decided to have a member of the clergy take care of that job. For the record, anyone can become a licensed minister over the Internet; it’s easy and only takes a few weeks.

-David Toussaint

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