How Receiving Financial Assistance Affects Your Wedding Planning
Traditionally, the bride’s parents paid for the wedding, while the groom and/or his parents covered the rehearsal dinner, his and his parents’ attire, the bouquet, and the honeymoon. While times (and the reality of finances) have made couples and families re-think those “rules,” one related convention still exists. If someone else besides the couple is putting up a significant amount of money for the wedding, they should be consulted on the ceremony and reception, and given input on decision-making. (As an aside, if one set of parents is paying for the wedding, they should also be listed on the invitations as hosts.)
In-law and order.
How much control you allow Mom or Dad to exert can be a touchy subject, and one you should confront immediately. If your dad has decided that, since he’s forking over the dough, the wedding will be at his country club, the swing band Flying Monkeys will perform, and the two of you will walk down the aisle underneath a “hall of golf clubs,” you need to talk to him—now! Tell Dad that, while you appreciate his input, it’s your wedding, and your decisions. Practice the art of compromise: maybe let Dad have the country club, but nix his other requests. Remind him that you’ve got a groom’s wishes to satisfy too.
The parent trap.
Etiquette also dictates that, if parents are putting up a significant portion of money, they should be consulted on the guest list. Wedding guest lists are generally divided 50/50, so an over-eager parent’s guest list is unfair to one side of the family. Once again, if Mom has a difficult time accepting this, talk to her. She might come around if you paint a scenario of 88 guests on one side of the church and 12 on the other. If your mother feels cheated, try giving her more say on dresses or the flowers or another area she has strong feelings about.
Remember, wedding money is a gift, not a loan or a partnership claim. If your parents are insistent on taking over control of the wedding against your objections, and talking to them fails, the only option might be to return the money. For some couples this means abandoning their big-ceremony dreams for a much smaller affair. If you give Mom and Dad an ultimatum, be prepared to go that route. With a little luck, they’ll see your side of things and back down. If not, keep in mind wedding rule number one: love, not money, rules the day.