Wedding Rules Change with the Times

Proper etiquette is one of the prime concerns of all brides, as everyone wants to do the right thing on their wedding day. As generations change, however, so do etiquette rules. Below, a few common customs and modern apps of adjustment.

Flower Girl/Ring Bearer: The ring bearer/flower girl tradition is a wonderful way to integrate children into your ceremony. It’s still very popular, but if you decide against it, you’re not breaking any rules. Also, once a child reaches the age of 9 or 10, you can make them junior bridesmaids or groomsmen. Kids tend to love this, as they feel “grown-up” in their outfits, in the same style as the adults. You can have junior bridesmaids and groomsmen walk down the aisle alone or with each other. The young men can escort bridesmaids down the aisle should the number of attendants be uneven, and they can help with seating or handing out programs.

Wedding Guest Travel: Traditionally, guests are expected to pay for their own travel expenses, and, traditionally, there are almost always some friends and loved ones who balk at the idea. This is one etiquette rule that has remained fairly straightforward; you’re not required to pay for transportation. However, if you’re having a very small affair (perhaps a destination wedding), and you want to cover airfare, it can make for a great gift for the Maid of Honor or Best Man. The choice is yours, and you should never feel guilty for not providing transportation.

Wedding Party Attire: On a similar note, the wedding party is responsible for purchasing their own clothes and rentals, but it’s become more common to help with the responsibility. The cost of tux rentals can make for great groomsmen gifts, a great idea for you practical wedding couples. Paying for the bridesmaids dresses is a more costly option. If it’s in your budget, go for it. Another option that’s gaining popularity is to give the women a swatch and have them pick out their own dress (hint: black is the easiest color to coordinate).

Wedding Favors: Favors are a sweet, wonderful way of saying “thank you” to your guests. But if the price is not in your budget, you’re not required to offer them. “The guests are not expecting it,” says Danielle Bobish, of Curtain Up Events in New York City. If you do offer favors, whether or not you give one per invitation or one per person is up to you, the favor, and your budget. Expensive items can be handed out more sparingly, whereas practical items are great for each guest. “A lot of couples make favors practical,” says Bobish. “You can give a copy of the paper and donuts for the morning,” she says, in which case a favor for each guest is appropriate.

Wedding Photos: With all due respect to superstition, many couples have their wedding photos taken before the ceremony. The advantages are plentiful: Your clothes and makeup are flawless, and you’ll get to enjoy your own cocktail hour. Should unexpected problems occur—rain, restless children—you’ll even have time to snap photos later on.

Rice Throwing: This custom’s been up in the air for a long time. Some couples choose not to throw it out of the belief that it poses a danger to animals, and there’s the added problem of it hitting you smack in the eye. In addition, many houses of worship don’t allow rice, meaning you’ll be required to find an alternative. These days, couples light sparklers or throw rose petals, dried lavender, or blown bubbles. One caveat: “Bubbles can ruin your dress,” says Bobish, so find out ahead of time if the material is susceptible. Whatever you decide to toss or throw, run it by your ceremony site in case it’s restricted.

Remember, as you navigate the dos and don’ts of wedding customs, you’re building your own advice book for your children’s nuptials. You’ve got so much to teach them!

-David Toussaint

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