Change the Officiant’s Wording to Reflect Your Values

Your marriage script covers your entire ceremony: The officiant’s introduction, ceremony readers, the vows, the declaration, etc.

In today’s world, your marriage script is likely to undergo some serious re-writes. Whereas once upon a time people simply listened to what the clergyman said, now couples have a say in the words. When you start the marriage-script process, avoid awkward situations by knowing how to ask for changes.

When you meet with your officiant, he or she will probably have a good idea of your marriage script. The wording will depend a great deal on your faith, the formality of your wedding, and your personality. But it doesn’t end there.

“When I meet with a couple I go into the situation with the idea that we are co-creating the ceremony,” says the Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, interfaith minister and author of “Your Interfaith Wedding.” “You have to expect that things will be changed.”

Brockway usually writes 2-4 drafts before the wedding, and allows the couple to ask for changes and additions. “I like to give the couple ultimate say,” says Brockway. “I’ve learned enough about them in the interviews to probably draft something close to their dream wedding.”

Many modern couples like to edit their marriage scripts not only because the roles and status of women has changed in our society, but because word meanings have changed over time too.  Over thousands of years, traditional marriage scripts have been translated into countless languages and updated for the times.  These changes have not always been seamless.

The most common omissions these days are the word “obey” and the phrases “Till death do us part” and “Who gives this bride…?”

“I don’t know of any couple who wants ‘obey’ in the ceremony anymore,” says Brockway. “Some of these words and phrases are thousands of years old.”

While there are no specific add-ons in ceremonies nowadays, a common trend is for family members and friends to take part in the ceremony. “When that happens, I like to have a copy, so I can put it in where it flows best,” says Brockway. “It’s also good in case the reading gets lost.”

How much you can change your ceremony words depends on your church and your clergyperson, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. “You’re going to have enough to do for your wedding,” says Brockway. “Let the clergyperson write the script.”

While Brockway is a firm believer in co-writing, the one factor that will give her pause is extensive changes. “Sometimes making a lot of changes can mean the couple has doubts about the marriage or are nervous,” she says. “If it’s a cover-up for emotions they are feeling, I need to sit down and talk to them.”

So rather than attempting a dramatic overhauling of your marriage script, write your own vows, make small alterations to fit your personality, and let your officiant guide you with the rest.

-David Toussaint

Check Out Selecting Your Officiant
Check Out Asking a Friend to Officiate Your Wedding
Check Out Wring Your Own Vows