Should You tell Your Husband About Ex-Boyfriends?
The Love Goddess is the author of several bestselling books on marriage and relationships, a widely read columnist and sought-after speaker. She has appeared on national talk shows including Oprah, The View, Charlie Rose, Good Morning America, and Larry King Live. Now she shares her advice on married life exclusively with OurWeddingDay.com.
"I wasn't born yesterday, and as you might guess there are quite a few steamy love stories locked inside this heavenly body. And let me tell you, I feel strongly about every one of them--and consider each sublimely personal. So when I hear from earthly wives that, in a desire to be truthful, they feel obliged to reveal their pasts -- not only old lovers’ names, but sexual details of old lovers -- I get a celestial case of nerves.
"Truth telling is considered so important these days that you'd think it really IS someone else's business what you did in bed five years ago. Don’t get me wrong: increasing commitment always calls for increasing knowledge of one another, but true intimacy also involves discretion, not just revelation.
"Why? Because intimacy requires an understanding that barriers can come up, and very quickly, depending upon how your “truth” is heard. It takes some serious thought, this truth-telling thing, and you play intimacy games ("I'll tell you a secret if you tell me one") at your risk. How would you really feel if your new husband confided his past romances? Is that a truth you need to know?
"Too much information, I say.
"My earth girls, please consider how you both will feel later on in the night -- and on and on into your future -- once the sharing of secrets turns into a massive stomachache. Who needs the retroactive scrutiny? Who needs the questions that remain in your and his heads?
"Please, mortal lovers, do not confuse discreet with deceit. Discretion is not lying; it’s revealing that which is appropriate and relevant—but with a careful eye towards its emotional impact and its rebound effect. Ditto, confusing honesty with honor. Your "truths" belong to you: You wouldn't reveal a friend's secrets, would you, and say you were “just being honest”? No. Honor matters far more.
"So consider that the heart is complicated and possessive: What man really wants to be in competition with your past? Do you really want to know about his sexual past? Choose honor for your husband’s heart over honesty about now-meaningless events.
"Honesty badly used -- that is, with motives that can elude even the smartest of us -- can end intimacy more often than it increases it. Talk to your husband -- your lover, after all -- only about what turns you on NOW, not then. When he asks about the sexual experiences you've had in your life and with whom, it's both fair and kind to be vague and forgetful. What really matters, and this you can speak to your heart's content, is just how much you're looking forward to the experiences you're hoping to have with him."
- Dalma Heyn
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